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Facebook suicide: the end of a virtual life

September 15, 2007
Emma Justice

Can online friendships ruin real-life relationships? Some users of a very popular social networking site believe so – and that's why they're taking drastic action, says Emma Justice.

Stephanie Painter's death was swift and painless. At 9.10pm on February 11 she bid her 121 Facebook friends goodbye with one last “poke” (mood: sorrowful), then left the virtual world peacefully with a quick click of the mouse.

“It was hard to kill the profile I'd spent so long creating, but I felt it was the only way out,” says Stephanie, 27, a PA from Fulham, West London. “Facebook was damaging my relationship with my boyfriend to such an extent that if I hadn't done it we wouldn't be together now.” For Painter found that what had seemed like an innocent way of reconnecting with old friends and colleagues had opened a huge can of worms.

“Within a couple of months a number of ex-partners and people that I'd had random flings with were asking to be my “friend” in Facebook. I didn't feel I could decline them and I admit I was intrigued by what they were up to,” she says. “But not only did that ignite unwanted feelings in me, it also made my boyfriend Danny, a 28-year-old TV producer, incredibly insecure. As one of my friends, he could view my profile page, my friends' list and my ‘wall' (an area on which messages are posted).

“Reading my ex's flirty messages, however innocent, made him insanely jealous. He hated the fact that I was in touch with men I'd once slept with and that some of them had posted up old pictures of us together which I had no power to remove. In the end, Facebook was causing so many arguments between us that I decided the best thing would be to log off. As soon as my Facebook profile died, our relationship improved.”

Painter is not the only one of the social networking site's 31 million users to have committed what is being dubbed “Facebook suicide”. Although it's impossible to estimate exactly how many people have “deactivated” (the site has yet to release figures), there are a growing number of Facebook suicide groups on the site. (One, the Facebook Mass Suicide Club, encourages members to “cancel your account before it consumes you. Join this group so we can do it together!” So far, 143 people have joined.)

Started in 2004 by Mark Zuckerberg, a student at Harvard, Facebook is now the 13th most used search engine in the world, with two million members in the UK and 150,000 new people signing up every day. Eclipsing Friends Reunited in popularity and media buzz, barely a day goes by without a story in the press about the site (see panel facing page), from privacy concerns over its plans to make profiles accessible through search engines such as Google, to reports that more than 70 per cent of British businesses have moved to restrict or ban Facebook, including British Gas and Lloyds TSB.

Considered more popular with slightly older and more middle-class users than other networking sites, such as MySpace and Bebo, it has recently made the transition from niche concept to something with mass appeal. So why are people deciding to put a virtual noose around their online necks?

It's easy to be misinterpreted

Carolyn Axtell, a senior researcher at the Institute of Work Psychology and Management School at Sheffield University, thinks, as in Painter's case, that it has a lot to do with the potential for misunderstanding. She says: “There are a limited set of cues available on sites like this. You don't get the subtleties of voice tone, facial expressions or body language you usually have when interacting with others and that can make interpreting the meaning of messages difficult. You can write something flippantly, which others take seriously, or come across as aggressive when that's not your intention at all. I can see how relationships can be damaged as a result and when that happens people will want to leave to put things right.”

Matt Holme, 24, a derivatives broker from Pimlico, West London, says he wrote his Facebook suicide note after he saw pictures of himself online which he didn't even realise had been taken. “When I was introduced to friends of friends, they'd recognise me from my profile on Facebook. I no longer had any anonymity and that was disconcerting.”

Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), says: “Building a Facebook profile is one way that individuals can identify themselves, making them feel important and accepted. But this can lead to disappointment once people realise how insignificant their online existence really is. Not only are online friends not necessarily real friends, they can turn out to be people you don't wish to know at all. I'm not surprised that those who feel their virtual life is unsatisfying commit online suicide. I really think we make a mistake if we hope to find our collective raison d'être via sites such as Facebook.”

“I'd rather spend time with people in person”

Clare Missingham, 34, a yoga teacher from Crouch End, North London, logged off a month ago when she realised how pointless her online profile had become. “I'd already kept in touch with the friends I wanted to, so apart from communicating with a few people overseas (whose e-mail addresses I had anyway), it wasn't much use to me. It didn't make me feel more connected and I'd rather spend quality time with people in person than sit in front of a computer turning them into vampires or buying them virtual presents [both are online applications you can add to your profile].”

But are there more serious psychological issues that could be triggered by reconnecting with old friends or flames? Should the ghosts of the past remain just that? Over a lifetime it's normal to lose touch with people as interests and circumstances change, but Facebook alters the natural ebb and flow of friendship. “Renewing old ties in this way can feel false,” says Andrew G. Marshall, a marital therapist and the author of I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You (Bloomsbury, £8.99).

“Generally people have just a handful of really close friends. If you feel the need to get in touch with someone from the past, you have to ask yourself why you do. It could be indicative of a problem or unhappiness in your current self and, therefore, a desire to reconnect with a younger one. But once people realise this is not a solution, they'll leave and try to solve them another way,” Marshall says.

Hodson agrees. “The idea of renewing old friendships is appealing but it doesn't come without difficulties and dangers. You may still be lusting after the girl in 3B, but is she lusting after you? If you were bullied at school and suddenly the bully asks to be your “friend”, all those bad feelings and insecurities you felt as a ten-year-old could come flooding back,” he says.

Patricia Rogers, a counsellor and fellow of the BACP, even worries that the feelings that lead to Facebook suicide could trigger the loneliness and lack of self-esteem felt by people who really do take their own lives.

“It could be incredibly damaging for the ego to realise that you haven't got as many friends as you thought you had, or that those friends aren't particularly meaningful,” she says.

“Comparing yourself with others, a big preoccupation on sites such as Facebook, can be damaging psychologically so, as a precaution, I think that people who leave should be carefully monitored, or at least checked up on, and then referred to counselling resources if necessary.”

Getting a real life

Yet other users say they've ended their lives in the virtual world for far more prosaic reasons – so that they can resume life in the real one.

According to Facebook, users spend an average of 20 minutes a day on the site although a survey by uSwitch. com found that others spend more than ten hours a week on virtual networking sites, the equivalent of 24 days a year (think how many pub lunches with real friends could be enjoyed in that time).

Increasing numbers of employers are banning staff from using social networking sites. Metropolitan Police officers have been warned that they face the sack, and universities have started using it to catch out students behaving badly. So perhaps it's no surprise that some people would rather commit Facebook suicide than that of the professional sort.

Fiona Blamey, 36, director of the PR agency Prompt Communications, killed her profile after a month because she felt that it mixed up her personal and professional lives. “Being on the internet under my real name makes me feel anxious. It's so easy to be indiscreet on there, but it feels a bit like getting drunk at university and playing the Truth Game. It's fun at the time, but afterwards you really regret it. You long to be more guarded, retain yourself-respect and maybe even a bit of mystique,” she says.

When things get personal, you're vulnerable

“Self-disclosure can indeed be a problem on the internet,” says Axtell. “The fact that you can't see or hear other people makes it easier to reveal yourself in a way you might not be comfortable with. You become less conscious of the individuals involved (including yourself), less inhibited, less embarrassed and less concerned about how you will be evaluated.

“Once you realise that things have become too personal, you'll feel vulnerable; who wants everyone to know what you did on the weekend? Logging off becomes the only way to recover privacy.”

Martin Cloake, 42, a sports copywriter from Lewisham, South London, says he left his Facebook life a few months ago because he also felt uncomfortable about putting his private life on public display.

“It all felt a bit stalkerish, the way that you could find out what people were doing almost daily, see pictures of them (or yourself) that other people had posted and trawl through other people's lists of friends to see who you knew.”

For Holme, the last straw came when he logged on at the start of January and noticed that one of his friends had changed their profile on Christmas Day. “That was it; I shot myself on the spot.”

Now it seems an increasing number of people are doing the same. So before I start sharpening my own knife, I'd just like to say that if my 91 friends fancy meeting me for a drink in the afterlife, please give me a call.

Facebook – a beginner's guide

Facebook allows you to create and online personal profile that other people can view. All you need is a valid e-mail address. You can enter as many (or few) details as you like, including your birth date, your relationship status, your political views, where you went to school and even your favourite books. You then start searching for people you know. If they're already on the site you can ask them to be your “friend”, or you can invite them to join Facebook. While someone can look you up and see who your friends are, they can't access your profile unless you have approved them as a friend. You can change your privacy settings to limit the information that people on the site can see.

Friends can send messages to each other, write on each other's “walls” (personal message boards), buy virtual gifts and drinks, and upload photographs or videos. Every time you log on you can view your “news feed”, which alerts you to what your friends have been doing on the site – groups joined, messages posted, new friends made, etc.

Logging on – a healthy checklist

Spend more time on real relationships

According to research released last week, social networking sites do not help you to make real friends. Even for those with hundreds of online friends, the number of friends they class as “close” still remains at the real world average of five and are usually people they have met face-to-face.

Be careful who your friends are

Research reveals that 41 per cent of Facebook users are willing to disclose personal information to strangers and a recent study by the Danish security firm CSIS revealed that social networking sites can be used to create a veneer of trust that leaves internet users and businesses at risk. Data harvesting and conmen can use information posted on sites, so review your privacy settings regularly.

At work

Under human-rights legislation, employees do not have the right to confidential use of internet and e-mail facilities at work. In addition, the employer has a duty to monitor the use of company facilities to avoid bullying or harassment. You may also be in breach of your contract if you are found to be using the internet for private purposes.

Beware of the bullies

Research by the children's charity NCH and Tesco Mobile found that one in six children in the South West had been the victim of cyber-bullying and recent research from America revealed that one teenager in four admit to cyber-bullying and many use social networking sites to target victims. Parents should familiarise themselves with sites their child uses and talk regularly to their child about online activity.

Don't be a slouch potato

A recent British Chiropractic Association survey revealed that 50 per cent of 16 to 24-year-olds were suffering from back pain, compared with 18 per cent three years ago. Back-care specialists believe this can be linked to increased use of laptop computers. Using laptops for extended periods is a big nono. Make sure that you use yours at a table and, if you can, use a docking station that allows you to use an external monitor and keyboard.

Keep an eye off it

Eye strain, permanent eye-damage and glaucoma have all been linked to regular computer use. So take a break and exercise your eyes by closing them tightly for a second, then opening them widely. Refocus your eyes every 15 minutes, which helps to avoid eye train. Glance across the room or out of the window, at an object at least 20 feet away, and back again.

Get set up

To avoid back and neck pain and repetitive strain injury, make sure that your desktop computer is set up for optimum comfort and safety.